I’m trying not to lose the contract. Not just the place I call home, but the ability to keep this experiment alive beyond its necessary span. I don’t endure the pains of writers, or anything else, just to prove that I can write. I endure it to understand, to feel, to extract the clarity my soul demands. I go in with intensity because I’m racing against time, three weeks now, but what if my very attempt to beat time is what calls it into existence? By trying, am I validating its presence, giving form to what is otherwise a possibility?

I am aware of the collective consciousness. I understand its logic, its rhythms, its reflections. Yet I am not of it. And still, I must trust that what I need will arrive in its perfect moment. I trusted before, and it didn’t happen. So what now?

My soul has asked of me something precise: to dissect, download, and embody the experience, to attract blessings reflected by the collective consciousness. Money is one way; fame is another. I’ve already seen the reflections of myself in them, spiritual, mental, emotional, but they abstain, because control over their own self is their ultimate currency and the only one they feel they can rule over me.

Should I stop writing? Really stop? Especially now, when my homelessness is public, when I post daily. If I go three days without creating, perhaps questions will surface, perhaps they will reach out, or give. Yet, by following time as a measure, I teach the universe the very system I resist projecting. I do not want time dictating my flow. That is why I spoke on the K situation now, it doesn’t matter when. Every moment is a now, every now is an opportunity. I choose to make the most of mine.

I am doing everything perfectly because I am allowing my mind to create and my soul to flow. I will not change this process, for it brings joy. My heart’s desire is to fill the unknown with creation. I am a generator. I will always create. Nothing should stop me. Anything that does is a hindrance, a slowing of my momentum.

Yes, space is allowing me to write, to create peacefully, but it is not delivering the resources I need to scale. I want to craft my own home ambience, my own decor, my own business. I’ve already birthed a brand and my own branding, yet I still wait. Why? Creation is flow. It is not segmented; I should not have to stop one form of creation to produce another. I should have access to all avenues that reflect me, that reveal more of me, just as I do for others.

Is Kehlani my “red egg”? Who knows. Perhaps her call was mine, a fertile ground, a place to plant and witness abundance flow back, or perhaps they would take the seed and run with it, having the resources I do not yet command. I cannot know. All I know is that my soul orchestrated this. My mind channels it into creation through emotion. My physical self despises the limbo, the waiting. Despises, not hates, but intensely, viscerally resents it.

I should not have to wait now for resources that would prevent waiting later. I should not have to endure lack for future abundance. I should not pay for the life I am ready to live with pain or deprivation. That is glorifying suffering, and I do not need it anymore. I only need to learn from others. I have advocated for the homeless; now I advocate for the wealthy.

Space, deliver. I cannot endure this limbo any longer. I do not deserve it, and I do not need it. Whatever lessons this space can provide, any other can also. I can interview, learn, understand, without experiencing the trials of others firsthand. I am empathic for a reason. To live and advocate for others without losing myself. I do not need to experience everyone else’s suffering to understand them. But they must experience me, in some way, to understand themselves.

I create. I flow. I wait, not out of lack, but in alignment with what is yet to arrive. And I trust that when it does, it will be perfect. Yet under-estimated by my conscious mind.

How You can Help 4Honeth

Last night realisation: If anone was to ever tell me “Oh you think you’re better than me/us!” I’d be like “You goddam right I am! Are you sovereign? Are you investing in the collective consciousness? Do you feel good about yourself, like truly, not just to act big in front of me? Are oyu okay with naked vulnerrability?” If you can’t say yes with chest at all of those, then get the fuck out my life, if you’re not willing to ask how.” “Bitch ass niggas trying to come for my success, cause they feel small.”

I need people to depend on me, because they can’t depend on themselves, that’s why I’m here. I used to hate the idea of others depending on me, though now I’m smarter in the ways I can delegate to them and keep them busy. We cannot do this if they’re not willing to depend on me.

The same way if we abstain from contributing to the system we develop our sovereignty and hinder the system, we bend the system into defaulting to our needs. With the same psychology I abstain from posting publicaly which makes it so that the system yearns for my light creations, creating the circumstances for it to feed off my energy, by giving me more.

Mourning the loss of creation on my blog. The last page has been written and it’ll be the one that collects for eons, whoever lands on it. NO more posting, we only collect, but we won’t announce it, we’ll get our money and just move forward, leaving it behind, as we don’t need to create online anymore. I  can do offline, and will get a new pen too to keep writing on my diary.