There was a time I would’ve softened this letter.
Folded it smaller.
Removed the edges so it wouldn’t cut you on the way out.
But clarity doesn’t need cushioning.
And truth doesn’t owe comfort.
This isn’t written in anger.
It’s written in completion.
And completion doesn’t whisper.

This one goes to you. You know who. I don’t need to mention you.

I was just thinking about how to put this into words without giving too much of you Kollect-ive away, and the only way I know is through transparency — yet you have made clear you don’t need the ascension.

I completely understand the pressure and the responsibility I put on you. Honestly, I was speaking to the parts of you that wanted to rise. The parts of you who would communicate with me in moments of vulnerability that you did want better. You spoke through your complaints, through your hardships, through the things that tipped you off — the same parts of you that felt seen and appreciated. The parts of you who loved me for telling you not to speak to yourself in self-loathing ways on that first day.

The parts of you who loved me for giving you chances. For holding the line. For believing we were in the same book, fully knowing we weren’t even part of the same edition. The parts of you that appreciated me for staying through thick and thin. For trying to build something greater for us. The same version of you that loved me for working through your psyche when you cheated — not to hold it against you, but so we could both understand what led to that moment of fluidity.

The part of you that admired my desire for growth and my hunger for more from life. The parts of you that wanted to do and be better, but felt trapped by the same system I’m tearing apart. And no, I’m not doing it for you — yet you do happen to benefit from it.

You made me feel completely disregarded and discarded like nothing, when I knew I was neither. You couldn’t even own up to the parts of you that led to that one last day. Not even after I did. Disregarded even then.

And it’s not that I felt like it. I observed it.

Because I knew who I was. I knew what I was doing for myself. There was no time for me to cry over milk I had already watched being spilt.

You never really tried to meet me. To read me. To learn my desires out of life. You never had the initiative to be curious about what I was building for myself — the very thing you felt was standing between our connection, whether or not it was ever meant to be the walls of our future.

You never tried to learn my world. My intellect.

Instead, you played a part. Enough to get me in. Enough to keep me looped in the vicious cycle of you.

You were a great experience — as many others tried the same after you. But just like it didn’t work for you, it was never going to work for them.

You never stepped up. And that’s why I had to miss your flight. That’s why I had to cut ties. That’s why you were never going to be enough for me.

Simply because you never made me feel enough for you to step up.

Blinded by all your should’ve’s, you forgot the most important one:

No relationship lasts if you don’t rise.
If you don’t rise above your differences.
If you’re not willing to do the work it takes to deserve a connection with me.

Something I kept reminding you every time there was friction and you tried to neglect the very thing that could’ve made the relationship worth investing in.

I must say, you were the first person I tested the life I would’ve given to my promised one.

The one I gave my all to.
Tried everything that could work.
Walked through adversity.
Extended compassion.
Was patient with the growth you kept professing but never embodied.

Remember Surgery chat? The one where we’d write down all the things we needed to confront and talk about? The same one you never found time to reflect on in order to salvage the remnants of the relationship you begged to keep.

Why then?

Was I just a prop?
A parlour trick you could gain attention, sympathy, and affection from because I was in your life?
Was I your clout bringer?

The one that held you accountable to your endless scrolling — the scrolling that took time away from our quality time and from your ability to think. The very thing you said you didn’t have time to do for our longevity.

Let’s not play games. We know who would win if we did. But there’s no victory when you already know you’d win — there’s only “I told you so’s” I got too tired thinking. And I didn’t say them because I didn’t want to add to the self-loathing you already carried long before I arrived — the self-loathing that eased with me, for a version of “us” you spoke about but never showed up for.

You tell me — what made sense about your behaviour? About how you acted even after? Calling me crazy because it benefited the idea that you weren’t hurt by me leaving — after I had taken you back so many times.

You had one chance to take me back and chose against it. I had five. I took you back four times because I trusted that everything can be fixed. Everything — with the right approach.

Not words. Those you proved didn’t hold weight.

You were also the person who showed me something vital: no matter how fast or slow, how much pressure or not, I place on others to rise in order to have me around — it is never about me. It is about whether the other sees the value in having me around without feeling so self-conscious that they fight back or resent me for being happy within myself.

Like my colleague today in hospitality saying, “I actually hate you for how much you’re enjoying being here. I hate it. How can you stand it?”

I came into hospitality and found it as it was.

I said, “Wherever I am, I’m happy.”

He replied, “What’s wrong with you?”

And I answered, “Nothing. That’s the problem.”

I’m doing well even in the industry you complained about. It was never the industry. Never the people. Never the circumstances.

It was always you.

Just like it was always them — the ones after you.

You’re all the same in one way: you can’t find happiness and genuineness wherever you are. You may be transparent in one domain and fragmented in another. And that fragmentation is hypocrisy. It’s a toxic way to move through life.

You said you hated certain things, found them difficult — and at your age, you should’ve known better. Yet I aced them without even trying that hard.

You can’t cope with your own company. That’s different from not coping with others.

And this letter isn’t only for you. I’m speaking through you to reach everyone who feels the same.

This is not a plea for a second chance.

I never gave your energy this much space before. It would’ve fed your ego and brought repercussions we both know you’re capable of. I needed to transmute it first, so it wouldn’t filter back in.

Now it’s safe.

I aced a great cinematographic project.
I aced a law project.
A political project.
A shelter project.
Creative projects.
More than you could see yourself doing — not to trigger you, but maybe to inspire you to finally do what you always dreamed of.

You can. But dream bigger than what you’ve allowed yourself to. And actually get to work — not just working for others. You weren’t born to fund someone else’s trust.

Let me be honest: it wasn’t that it wasn’t safe to bring you up. It wasn’t relevant.

I was testing everything you said was the problem. And through it all, I’m still me.

Still awake.
Still progressing.
Still at ease.

Sure, physical pain from labour — but that doesn’t touch the mission.

No excuses.

Bonnie and Clyde we weren’t. They rode together. Rose and fell together. You couldn’t even stay long enough to see it unfold.

Fool me once — on you.
Fool me twice — on us.
Fool me thrice — on me.

I was willing to risk being the fool. You were too self-conscious to set aside your age and learn from someone younger.

As I wrote this, something in the background said, “Older woman. Mature woman.”

Older? Yes.

Mature? Physically, perhaps. Emotionally? Intellectually? That’s debatable. Easy to appease those who don’t see. Harder to fool those who do.

Still — I give you your flowers.

4:44am — you were right about jealousy and envy existing. They do. And like you said, not everyone is the same — until they are, when they refuse to surpass the threshold their physicality demands of them.

The one placed before me didn’t pass the test. Maybe she was your mirror. Maybe you understand each other better than you understood me.

But let it be clear — I do not condone colourism.

You provided the curriculum.

I aced the test so thoroughly, I won the whole school on scholarship.

Exorcised from my wealth.

And finally, I realise — my wealth was never yours to hold.

---

Kollect-ive – Letters Series

This one goes to you. You know who. I don’t need to mention you.

I was just thinking about how to put this into words without giving too much of you Kollective away and the only way I know is through transparency, yet you have made clear you don’t need the ascension.

I completely understand the pressure and the holding responsible I have put on you and honestly, I was speaking with the parts of you who wanted to. The parts of you who would communicate to me in moments of vulnerability that you did want better. You would communicate to me through your complaints, through your hardships, through the things that tipped you off, the same parts of you that felt seen and appreciated. The parts of you who loved me for telling you to not speak in self-loathing ways to yourself on that first day.

The parts of you who loved me for giving you chances, holding the line, believing we were in the same book, full knowing we weren’t even part of the same edition.. The parts of you that appreciated me for staying through thick and thin. For trying to build something greater for us. The same version of you that loved me for working through your psyche when you cheated, not to hold it against you, but for both of us understanding what even lead to that one moment of fluid-ity.

The part of you that admired my desire for growth and quench for more from life. The parts of you that wanted to do and be better, but felt trapped by the same system I’m tearing apart. And no, I’m not doing it for you, yet you do happen to benefit from it.

You made me feel completely disregarded and discarded like nothing, when I knew I was neither. You couldn’t even own up to the parts of you that led to that one last day. Not even after I did. Disregarded even then. And it’s not that I felt like it, I saw it in observation, as I knew who and what I was doing for myself, there was no time for me to cry over milk I’ve been watching being spilt.

You never took the chance to really meet me, to read me, to learn my desires out of life. You never had the initiative to even learn or be curious about what I was building for myself, the very thing you felt was in between our connection, no matter whether it was going to be the walls to our future. You never tried to learn my world, my intellect. Instead you played a part, enough to get me in and enough to keep me looped in the vicious cycle of you. You were a great experience as many others tried the same after you.. but again just like it didn’t work for you, it was never going to work for them.

You never tried stepping up and that was the reason why I had to miss your flight. The reason why I had to cut ties. The reason why you were never going to be enough for me. Simply because you never made me feel enough for you to step up.

Blinded by all your should’ves you forgot the most important one. No relationship can be longlasting if you don’t step your game. If you don’t rise above your differences. If you’re not willing to do the work it takes to deserve a connection with me, something I kept on reminding you every time there was friction and you tried to neglect the very thing that could’ve made the relationship worth investing for.

I must say you were the first person I tested the life I would have given to my promised one. The one I gave my all, tried all that could work. Walked through adversity. Extended compassion. Was patient with the growth you kept professing doing, but never rose up to. Remember Surgery chat? The one we would write down all the things we needed to confront and talk about, that would come up, the same one you never found time to think about in order to salvage any remnants of the relationship you begged to have.

Why then?! Was I just a prop to you?! A parlour trick you could gain attention, simpathy and affection because I was in your life?! Was I your clout bringer?! The one that held you accountable to your endless scrolling, which took time away from our quality time and from your ability to think.. the very thing you’d say you didn’t have time to do for our longevity. Let’s not play games, because we know who would win, if must. But there’s no win when you know you’ll win, there’s only ” I TOLD YOU SOs ” that I got too tired thinking, and not saying because I didn’t want to add onto the self-loath you already housed. And was there before I even arrived, yet got to ease for you, with you, for an us you were talking about, but never showed up for.

You tell me. What makes even sense about your behaviour and the behaviour you held even after. Calling me crazy cause it benefitted the idea that you didn’t feel the hurt of me leaving, after taking you back so many times. Different from you, you had one chance to take me back and chose to go against it, I had 5 and took you back for 4, cause I trusted everything can be fixed. Everything with the right approach that is. Not words. Those you had proven not giving enough weight to.

You also were the one person that showed me, no matter how fast or slow, how much pressure or not, I put on others to rise up in order to have me around, it is never about me, it is about the other seeing the value in having me around them, without feeling self conscious enough to fight back or despising me for being happy with myself.

It’s like my current colleague today saying ” I actually hate you for how much you’re enjoying being here ( in hospitality that is ) about being here. I hate it, how can you stand it?!” And I’m the one that came into hospitality, I found it all there. I responded ” Wherever I am, I’m happy ” and his reply ” What’s wrong with you ?!”, to which I replied ” Nothing, that’s the problem “… I’m doing good even in the industry you so much complained about. It was never the industry, the people, the circumstances, the beef, it was always you, like it was always them those who came after you. You are all the same, cause you can’t find happiness and genuinity wherever you are. You might have transparency in one domain, but not in the other. That’s is fragmentation, hypocrisy and a very toxic way of doing life.

You said you hated or found difficult all these things, and at your age you should’ve known better. Yet I happened to ace them without even trying that hard.

You can’t cope with your own company, not the company of others that seem to irk you. Know the difference. And this letter isn’t really just for you, but I speak through you to get to everyone that feels the same. And it is definitely not a plead for a second chance. I never added your energy here to this extent, it would’ve given you too much energy and actually gotten to your head, with repercussions we know you to be capable of. Also I needed to transmute it myself, so your energy wouldn’t filter in. Now it’s safe to do so. At last. SO I aced a great cinematographic project, I aced a great law project, I aced a great political project, I aced a great shelter project, I aced a great creative project, I aced so many things you couldnt do yourself, to eventually trigger you or inspire you to do all that you had always dreamt of. You got it and you can do it too. Just dream bigger than what you’ve allowed yourself to and actually get to work, not working for others alone. You were not here to pay someone else’s trust fund.

Let me not lie to myself, it is not that it wasn’t safe to bring you up, it wasn’t relevant. I was experiencing the learning I got from you, by testing out the things you said were the problem and through it all, I’m still me. Still awake. Still progressing. Still at ease. Sure physical pain fro the labour, but that ain’t taking away from my mission. No excuses Clydette. Bonnie and clyde we weren’t. They rode together, rose and fell together. You couldn’t even stick around long enough to see it all play out. Fool me once, it’s on you, fool me twice it’s on us and fool me thrice it’s on me. I guess I was okay to be the fool, you were too self-conscious to put your old age aside and learn/be lead from/by someone younger. As I wrote this, something in the background I was listening to, said ” older woman, mature woman “. I would add older? Yes. Mature? In physicality, but not emotionally nor intellectually. Maybe enough for those who don’t see, sure, that’s easy to appease to them. But to those who do?! Good luck fooling them.

I gotta give you your flowers though… 4:44am you were right about the white woman jealousy and envy, I can testify to that, but like you said, they’re not all the same, until they are, as our physicality comes with a threshold to surpass of its own, and yeah as much as it pains me to admit, the one God put in front of me did not pass the test. I guess she was your mirror. Maybe you two should date each other, you seem to understand each other. Ice queens at their worst. I still don’t condone Colorism, let that be clear.

You provided the curriculum and I aced the test so bad, I won the whole school as scholarship.

Exorcised from my wealth.