The place this system is built to take the many, yet the finger is on those who get to their destination. Make it make sense.

Everything I record is evidence to the plaintiff and should be treated as such, as reinforces the system we currently live in.

This is clarity speaking.
This is not strategy.
This is not me trying to be understood, liked, palatable, or well-read.

This is desperation speaking — and I am documenting it because everything is evidence.

My cat slipped out, what a one second under-sight could lead to, I’m human too and he got into a fight. He has wounds all over him. I may need a vet. I cannot afford one, so we went for DIY remedies giving us 48hrs to see its effects. That’s the reality. I’m not interested in commentary about resilience, lessons, or meaning. I’m telling you what is happening.

At the same time, I’ve applied to donate my eggs.

Not impulsively.
Not romantically.
Biologically.

Everything I have lived is encoded. Akashic records aren’t mystical to me — they’re DNA. Memory stored in matter. History written into cells. If my genetic material is scattered across the world, mixed with others, then the work does not end with me.

It continues without my body having to carry it all.

I am tired of being the container.

I am tired of being spectated.
I am tired of being consumed.
I am tired of being watched by people who extract meaning, insight, inspiration — and offer nothing back.

The plaintiff has been filed.
The registration exists.
The system has it on record.

Anyone can pick it up from here.

What I am exhausted by is not effort — it’s asymmetry. I speak, others observe. I act, others comment. I carry, others theorise. People watch as if witnessing is participation.

It isn’t.

I am surrounded by zombies — not as an insult, but as a description of non-participation. Bodies present. Intent absent. Everyone waiting for someone else to move first.

I am done performing seriousness for people who are not serious about themselves, let alone humanity.

I have considered offering my organs — not dramatically, but practically — because sometimes it feels like I could be laid on a table, cut open, and it still wouldn’t register. Not to the system. Not to the structures. Not to the spectators.

Only my family and friends would care.

And they cannot help — not because they don’t love me, but because they don’t have the resources, the leverage, or the time. The system we live in does not allow space for people to download everything that has been shared, written, explained, and documented.

There is no room for depth unless it’s profitable.
No time for truth unless it’s entertaining.
No care unless it’s commodified.

This isn’t a breakdown.
It’s fatigue from carrying disproportionate weight.

So I’m recording this as-is.

Not to ask for help.
Not to be saved.
Not to be seen.

But because this, too, is part of the record.

---

I quit when I’m exhausted, not a moment before. And with my exhaustion I prepare for what can carry my legacy forth, cause it is worth carrying.

Think of 13 Reasons Why. The most tragic thing allowed so many to see their own colours reflected back and the choices and actions that lead to her exhaustion. But yeah it’s entertainment so why would people use it to learn from right?!

And yet people call out ” Oh she suicidal!! “, yeah well have you actually asked yourself what you might have done to get her there?! Pricks everywhere.

I’m not planning anything let that be clear! God gave me this vessel and it’s the greatest thing that has ever happened to me, to be Susan Ndinga Wright has been a wonderful ride, one to be proud of, one to be faithful to until the end and one to forever remember thoroughout history. No one else has existed the way I have and to that I toast to myself!

If my soul leaves while I sleep let this be the last message sent as the why, I have no regrets, no remorse, nothing holding me back and trust I am lucky to even be in this position, not many can say the same… I’d leave with no unfinished business holding me behind as a ghost. If anything my children will be, whether as my creations or my eggs. Either way I will live through them, meaning that plaintiff will come out full force just as much as I did.

I’ll be spending the night watching 13 Reasons Why, so that I consume the energy, before it consumes me. I do love my life, I just need the next inspiration to continue it and the best way possible is just hours of downtime.

I recover quick, so I’ll be fine, I just don’t know which exhaustion will be my last.